The Cactus Juice Tales
by The Big Rocky Eye
Summary: ...in which is Post'd for the Enjoyment of the General Publick various Tales concerning the esteem'd Avatar and his Friends, and in which is Establish'd the Fact that the Author is certifiably Insane. Third Tale: PERVERTS!
1. Dear Sokka

**THE CACTUS JUICE TALES,  
**or,  
**The Big Rocky Eye's Insanity Defence**

in which is Post'd for the Enjoyment of the General Publick  
various Tales concerning the esteem'd Avatar and his Friends  
and in which is Establish'd the Fact that the Author is certifiably  
Insane.

* * *

**DISCLAIMER.** The Big Rocky Eye lays no Claim of Ownership upon the tales of the Last Airbender Avatar, so charmingly transmitted by the esteem'd Mr. B. Konietzko and Mr. M. D. DiMartino under the title _Avatar_, subtitled _The Last Airbender_. Furthermore the present Author considers it his most pressing Duty, to impress upon his Honourable Readers the true Fact that the Reading of the following Tale, call'd by the Author _Dear Sokka_, could induce in certain Persons a Shock, and in others perhaps a certain Sense of Disgust, and in yet others a Burning Out of the Eyes. Having thus, then, discharged his Duty, the Author now disclaims any Responsibility for the above-described conditions.

* * *

The Author humbly presents to the General Publick his first Tale, call'd  
**DEAR SOKKA.**

* * *

_Dear Sokka,_

_For ages I have been wondering how to pick up my brush to write to you. But how can I convey the feelings I have when I see you? How can I tell you how my heart beats when I watch you swing your sword with the elegance of a phoenix-swan swooping down on its prey? With what words will I write of how your sharp wit pierces my sides and leaves me breathless with laughter? Where shall I find the right word to describe your perfect form, your wondrous body? How can I say these things to you?_

_And yet, how can I not?_

_Sokka, you are my joy, my life, my all... and yet, how shall I tell these things to you? I have no talent with words. My courage fails me now—how can I tell these things to you face to face? So I write this, and leave it with you, a silent testimony of my love._

_From one who shall for now be unnamed, to Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe._

* * *

"KATARA!" Sokka screeched. "KATARA! AANG! SOMEONE! ANYONE! HELP!!"

"What's the matter? What's going on?" Katara asked, rushing in.

Sokka held up the paper. "Some random guy left me a love letter in my sleep! What am I going to do?"

"Sokka, calm down," Katara said. "Let me see that." She took the letter. While she was reading it, Aang came in.

"Everything alright, Sokka?" he asked.

"NO! Everything is NOT ALRIGHT!" Sokka cried. "Someone sent me a love letter! Arrgh! Ahhhh!! Eww!!"

"Relax, Sokka," Toph said, leaning in the doorway. "It's just a love letter."

Sokka stood, delirious with confusion and fear and not a little bit of rage. "Just a love letter?? JUST A LOVE LETTER??"

"Wait a minute," Aang said. "Where's Suki?"

"She's already at the tea shop," Katara mumbled, still reading.

Zuko came in, visibly confused and angry. "What's going on here? Why's Sokka screaming like a girl?"

"Someone sent him a love letter," Katara said. "Not very well written, either. Here, O Great Firelord, why don't you have a look?" She presented the sheet to him with a low, mocking bow, earning herself a very nasty snarl.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Don't do that," he muttered as he grabbed the letter and read it out loud.

"What the hell is a phoenix-swan?" asked Aang.

Toph in particular enjoyed the letter immensely. "This girl's amazing. She even appreciates your 'wit'! Wait till Suki finds out! Oh goodness, this is too funny!"

"You think this is FUNNY, Toph?" Sokka exclaimed.

"Yeah, I really do!"

Katara dragged Toph outside. "You'd better shut up before Sokka murders you."

"Oh, man! I'm going to get Suki! Hahaha!" She ran off.

"Wait! Toph! No!" Katara chased her to the tea shop.

Aang took a deep breath. "Alright, Sokka, I guess what we need to do now is—"

"—BURN THAT THING BEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND SEES IT!"

"Yeesh, Sokka. I thought you were good with girls. What's a little love note doing, getting you all worked up?"

Zuko laughed. "Good with girls? Sokka?"

"Yeah, he's pretty much my go-to person for girl advice."

Zuko's eyes bugged out. "...Right."

"Well, I know enough about girls to know that GIRLS WHO WRITE LOVE LETTERS ARE CREEPY!" Sokka shouted. "ZUKO! Burn that letter NOW!"

"Wait!" Suki shouted, marching into the room. "I'll take that, Mr. Firelord." She read the letter as Zuko groaned.

"Please don't call me that..."

"Oh dear, Sokka," was all Suki said after reading the letter—and crushing it.

"Suki, you were sleeping with Sokka last night. Did you notice anyone come in?" Aang asked.

"No, I didn't; but both Sokka and I are pretty heavy sleepers. I didn't notice the letter when I woke up, though. I assume someone snuck in after I left for the tea shop."

"Well, did anyone else hear any noises?"

"Only Iroh and Suki's footsteps, I think. I was half-asleep," Toph said. "Besides, you're the one who sleeps next door. I sleep at the end of the hall!"

"Well, I didn't notice anything. You, Katara?"

"Nope. Nothing."

"Suki..." Sokka moaned. "Help. Some creepy girl is stalking me."

"No, some creepy girl is trying to poach my boyfriend! Aang, I'm borrowing Appa!"

"What, is it your turn to take a little field trip with Zuko?"

Silence.

"What do you mean by that? I'm taking Sokka, not Zuko."

"Oh, right. Well, have a—"

"I'm coming too," Katara declared. "If anyone's stalking my brother I'm going to know about it. Come on, Sokka!" She grabbed Sokka by one wrist while Suki grabbed the other, and together they dragged him through the door.

"Wait!" Aang cried. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"No," Suki said, "but I'll find out. And when I do..." The glint in her eyes said more than any words could.

"How about you do a little more hunting around here, first?" Zuko said. "Maybe a clue or something. You can't just go off on Appa without knowing where to go or who to look for."

"Fine!" Suki grumbled. "I'll check the room for anything the—witch—has dropped. Katara, help me ask around to see if anyone saw or heard anything suspicious. Sokka—take a bath. And do something about your nudity!"

Everyone laughed.

* * *

_Later..._

"Did you find anything?" Katara asked.

"Nope," Suki replied. "You?"

"Nothing."

"Well, Sokka, you're the detective. What do _you_ think we should do?" asked Katara.

"IF YOU THINK I'M TOUCHING THAT THING AGAIN, YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN...than..."

Katara chuckled. "Alright, fine. I just want to find out who this girl is. She must be sick in the head or something—"

"TELL ME ABOUT IT!"

"—if she fell in love with _you_. I'm still wondering what Suki sees in you."

Suki laughed. "I'm just with him because he's desperate. He's a rather sad case, really."

"And yet you're so interested in finding the girl who's trying to 'poach your boyfriend'," Sokka shot back.

"Oh, shut up. I was just kidding. Anyways, we've got no leads. I'm going back to the tea shop. I'm sure the breakfast rush is starting. I'll be back later."

"Alright, then. See you later, Suki. Sokka! Aang! Get over here!"

"Katara, I'm already here," Sokka pointed out.

"What is it, Katara?" Aang asked, coming in from next door.

"Suki's going to the tea shop, Zuko's doing his Zuko thing and Toph's somewhere else, so there's just the three of us. Iroh is coming over tonight, and we've got no food. We're going grocery shopping. Come with me."

Aang groaned heartily. "We don't _need_ to go grocery shopping. We can just get someone to do it for us. That's the beauty of having a house in the Upper Ring."

"Do you remember what happened the last time we let one of those women do our grocery shopping for us?"

* * *

_Begin flashback._

The dinner room was empty, though the table was filled with half-eaten food. The chairs were in disarray as if everyone had left at once in a hurry, not caring what state they were leaving the table in. Two or three pairs of chopsticks had been dropped on the expensive carpet. Retching could be heard outside. Zuko returned first, and the first thing he did was throw the plate of vegetables out the window.

_End flashback_.

* * *

"Thought so," Katara said. "Come on."

She dragged the groaning boys out, hailed a carriage, forced the two on (a girl has her ways) and, in short, got to the marketplace. They went from stall to stall, buying a significant portion of everything in sight—Katara seemed to have lost any inhibitions on overspending—and before very long at all Aang was trying to balance a basket of fruit on his head while dealing with a (very big) bag of vegetables and a (equally large) bag of rice. Sokka had the equally pleasant job of carrying a box of roast pig. A _whole_ roast pig. The only thing Katara was holding was the money bag.

"It would be nice," Aang snarled through his teeth, "if you helped us out, Katara."

"Quit complaining and hurry up. I still haven't gotten to the seafood section yet."

"If _you_ don't hurry up, Katara, this pig isn't going to be the only thing that's roasted around here!" Sokka snapped.

"Come on. I think I see some sea prunes."

"NO SEA PRUNES!" Aang roared, releasing a stream of flames from his mouth. Katara was unfazed.

"Why not?"

"They're disgusting! How can you possibly eat that stuff? I'm about to throw up just thinking about it!"

"They're not that bad, Aang," Sokka said. "They're chock full of Vitamin C!"

"Vita-what now? What are you talking about?"

"Uhh, I don't know. I think someone's sticking words in my mouth."

"You been heading to cactus juice again?"

"..."

"Ooo! Seal jerky!" Sokka shouted, nearly dropping his box. "Can we have some? Can we have some?"

Katara slapped him in the head. "No seal jerky! Now come with me. I heard that Iroh loves roast duck, and that stall is supposed to sell the best roast duck in Ba Sing Se."

"More dead meat?" Aang cried. "We've already got a whole dead pig! How much more meat do we need to have?"

Katara sighed. "You're right, I guess. The pig's enough. We'll come back for the duck tomorrow."

"Good idea! Besides, look at the line," Sokka said, gesturing to the winding queue. Finding the end of the mile-long line-up would be just as annoying as waiting in it.

"Well, let's see. We've got the rice, the roast pig, the vegetables, the fruit…I guess the next thing to do is hit the spice stands!"

Aang and Sokka could have died on the spot.

"Don't worry, guys, we're almost done," Katara said.

"Riiiiight," Aang said. "_Almost_ done." They dragged themselves off in the direction Katara had run off in.

This section of the market was filled with sweet and savoury aromas, being as it was the location of all the spices. Row after row of stalls, stacked with the most exotic flavourings known to mankind, filled the space. Katara wandered around with glittering eyes, inhaling the perfumed air with unbounded joy as Sokka and Aang followed, eyes filled with nothing but unbounded annoyance. Sokka was just about to demand that Katara hurry up when an oddly familiar voice called his name.

"Master Piandao!" Sokka called, running over to the swordsman and bowing.

"It's so good to see you, Sokka. Have you been keeping up your training?"

"Yes, of course! But tell me, what are you doing here in Ba Sing Se?"

"I needed a vacation. The Fire Nation may be beautiful, but it gets old when the only way to leave was by enlisting in the army. That's all over, of course, and that's why I'm here. Besides, I'm not the only one out of place here. I thought you were of the Water Tribe? What are you doing in Ba Sing Se? And why are you carrying around that big box"—he sniffed the air—"of roast pig?"

"Katara—my sister—insists on "relaxing" here for a while, and we're having Iroh over for dinner, and Katara's making me and Aang go grocery shopping with her. Speaking of which, here they are. Katara! Aang! Look who's here!"

Katara ran over quickly, clutching a little bag of spices of an (to borrow a mathematics term) undefined nature. Aang had nearly dropped his bag of rice and had to take some time to steady himself, but he managed to walk over without too many accidents.

"Wow! We meet again!" Katara bowed. "How are you, Master?"

"I'm doing quite well. And here is the Avatar himself!" he said as Aang came over. "I heard of your most impressive feat—taking away Ozai's firebending! ...Are you alright, carrying all that food?"

"Oh, he's fine," Katara said with a wave of the hand. Aang shot her a nasty glare.

"Sokka," Piandao said, "You don't look so well. Did you not sleep well last night?"

"Naw, he slept fine," Aang said. "It's what he found when he woke up that shocked him."

"What did he find?"

"NOTHING!" Sokka yelled as Aang whipped out a sheet of paper—_the_ sheet of paper. "Where'd you get that?" Sokka demanded.

"This is what he found, master," Aang said, handing the sheet over. Sokka tried to recover it, but Piandao managed to evade every move while reading the letter.

"What did you do that for?" Sokka snarled to Aang after giving up. Katara just stood on one side and watched, chuckling quietly.

"A love letter," Piandao murmured. "Sokka, did you not notice...something interesting about this letter?"

"No, sir, I didn't," he said, eyebrows raised. "Do you know something?"

"Sokka, a man from the Fire Nation wrote this."

Aang and Katara laughed heartily, the former barely retaining control over his packages. Sokka's face could have been put into a dictionary under the heading "Extreme Shock".

"A MAN?! A MAN WROTE THIS?!"

"Look at the calligraphy. This style of running script is of the Sun tradition, based on the style of a very famous Fire Nation poet. It is known only to the upper classes of the Fire Nation—nobles and princes. In fact, this calligrapher is quite skilled, notwithstanding the poor writing style. Look at the downstrokes, steady and sure; the points, distinct yet subtle. It is a fine specimen. I doubt there is a single native of the Earth Kingdom who can—or will—write in this style. They follow the Kong school, which emphasizes less the flow between the characters and places greater attention on the structure within each individual word." (1)

"How do you know a _girl_ of the Fire Nation didn't write it?" Katara asked.

"Well, to be honest, it is possible. However, I can only name one woman who can write with such skill."

"Who?"

"Ursa, the mother of the current Fire Lord. I have a scroll by her in my study. Exquisite!"

"So, unless you're saying Zuko's mom wrote Sokka a love letter...a _guy_ did it?"

Piandao could not resist a little chuckle himself. "Yes, that's right. Well, I must be off. It has been good seeing you all."

"Goodbye, Master Piandao," Katara and Sokka said, bowing. Aang was still trying to steady his packages. As soon as Piandao was out of view, Sokka started screeching.

"AH MY GOODNESS A GUY WROTE THIS TO ME! I'M GOING TO DIE!!"

"Calm down, Sokka," Katara said. "Let's get all this stuff back to the house." She surveyed the packages she had bought. "Looks like we'll need to send for an extra-large carriage."

* * *

_Even later..._

"You won't believe what happened today," Toph blabbed, mouth full of food. "Sokka got a LOVE LETTER!"

"Ohh! What a surprise! How delightful that must be, to have girls leaving love letters for you," Iroh said with a big smile.

Suki suppressed her anger and replied, "Yes, yes, how lucky. Too bad he already has a girlfriend."

"And a very pretty one, too. Katara, this roast pig is delightful!"

"Well, I got it in the marketplace earlier today," Katara replied humbly.

"And made me carry it for _three hours_!" Sokka grumbled.

"In that case, you must tell me where! Oh, I am very glad you have invited me for dinner tonight. Katara, you are a wonderful cook. I have much to learn," Iroh said in his sage-like manner.

"Hey, I helped too!" Aang declared.

"And the Avatar, too! This food is delicious!" Iroh sampled some noodle-like strands of "seafood" that were placed near his end of the table. "Nephew! You must try some of the chilled jellyfish. It is delectable!"

"No, thank you, Uncle," Zuko muttered.

"You know what the most shocking part about Sokka's letter was?" Toph continued, unwilling to relinquish the subject. Sokka glared at her, then remembered that she was blind.

"What was that?" Iroh asked politely.

"It was written..."

Sokka cringed.

"...by a man from the Fire Nation!"

The entire table erupted into laughter. Iroh was not the only person that was not aware of the fact.

"A man! Of the Fire Nation? Impossible!" Iroh cried, his belly bouncing with laughter.

"Well, it's true!" Aang added, about to roll onto the floor with laughter. "Master Piandao said so himself after looking at the calligraphy!"

Iroh continued laughing with the rest, but henceforth it seemed...a bit forced? No one seemed to notice, though...

* * *

_Even later than "even later"..._

Iroh had gone back to his apartment, leaving the Gaang (plus Suki) in the house. They had just finished cleaning up after the enormous dinner, and were sitting in the sitting room (as opposed to standing, or kneeling, or jumping, or meditating...).

"Well, that narrows it down considerably. We can assume that this man is in Ba Sing Se, of course. There can't be more than a few Fire Nation nobles around here so soon after the war," Suki was saying.

"What about the possibility of it being written on behalf of a girl?" Aang asked.

"Then the man will lead us to the girl," Katara replied.

"Ah, but what if whoever's written it has left Ba Sing Se?"

"We'll just have to ignore that possibility for now."

Toph, who was previously silent, spoke up. "Guys, I think I know who it is."

Everyone was on her at once. "WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT?"

"I think..."

"Hurry up!" Sokka yelled.

"I think it's Iroh," Toph said. "I heard him walking around the house this morning when he picked up Suki. And, just at dinner, I could feel that he was trying to hide something when Aang mentioned that Piandao had checked out the calligraphy."

"Of course!" Zuko smacked his head. "Let me see that letter again. Yes...yes. This is definitely Uncle's writing. Why didn't I recognize it before?"

Sokka could have vomited. "IROH SENT ME A LOVE LETTER?!" He began shaking Zuko. "YOUR UNCLE SENT ME A LOVE LETTER!! EWWW! AHH!"

Zuko allowed himself to be shaken. All he could do was hope that this was a big joke...or a big mistake.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

Someone knocked quietly on the door. Iroh opened it.

"Oh, it's you. Please, come in. Unfortunately, I do not have dinner prepared. I was at a friend's house, and have only just now gotten home."

"Sir, I cannot stay long. However, I did want to thank you for helping me write that note."

"It is no problem. I do not believe they know it was you."

"I will confess my feelings eventually, of course; but I have no courage right now. But, please, take this as a token of my gratitude." The person produced a bag and presented it to Iroh, then ran off into the night.

Iroh took the bag into his apartment. "I wonder what is inside...Ohh! Cabbages! Delicious! Perhaps a midnight snack will not hurt..."

* * *

(1) Complete bullshit.


	2. T & T Supermarket

**DISCLAIMER**. The Big Rocky Eye owns not the T & T Supermarket. Insert disclaimer from _Dear Sokka_ here.

* * *

The Author humbly presents to the General Publick his second Tale, call'd  
**T & T SUPERMARKET.**

* * *

"T & T, huh? What kind of a name is that?" Zuko questioned, approaching the large new store that recently opened in the Middle Ring of Ba Sing Se.

"I don't know, but it's HUGE!" Katara sighed, starry-eyed.

"Katara, why are you so excited? It's just another place to buy food!" Zuko snapped.

"Well, it's a _big_ place to buy food in!"

Aang pointed out a large sign. It read:

_SHOPPING CARTS: THE NEWEST WAY TO SHOP_

_At T & T Supermarket, we are always proud to come up with ways to enhance your shopping experience. Hence our newest invention, the shopping cart. Simply insert one copper coin into the designated slot, disengaging the lock, and remove the cart. Place all your purchases into the cart and take it to the check-out area when you are finished. You may then take the cart outside to your waiting carriage, load your purchases in, and return the cart here. Once you reengage the lock, your copper coin can be removed from the mechanism. We are confident that this new innovation will help you enjoy your stay at T & T Supermarket._

"Of course! Shopping carts! Genius!" Sokka cried. The memory of that huge roasted pig was still fresh in his mind. "Well, come on! Who has a copper coin? Give it here, and let's get a cart!"

"I don't know about this..." Katara said.

"I do!" Aang shouted. Evidently, he had as much of a distaste for carrying groceries as Boomerang Guy. He raced over to the waiting shopping carts, but ended up staring at a cart instead of taking one out.

"What's the matter, Twinkletoes?" Toph questioned.

"I don't know where the coin goes."

"Let me see," Sokka said, taking the coin and brushing past the Avatar. "Hmm. The instructions simply say to place the coin in the designated spot. But where's the designated spot?"

"Try the slot that the sign saying 'INSERT COIN HERE' is pointing to," Zuko grumbled.

Sokka remained silent, but managed to get the cart out. Giddy with the prospect of not having to carry around whatever they had to buy, he almost smashed the cart into Katara.

"Watch it!" she exclaimed.

"Sorry!" Sokka was still pushing the cart around and around, having as much fun as he did with Suki in their...

"Maybe you should give me that," Katara said gently.

"Oh, fine," Sokka said, relinquishing the cart. The kids went in.

"This place really is huge," Aang said with a little bit of wonder. "Look at all the crowds!"

"More people, more food, more boringness," Toph grumbled.

"I'm with the blind girl," said Zuko.

"FREE SAMPLES!" Aang screamed, rushing towards a table set up near the dim sum section.

"I'm with the kid," Sokka called, following him.

"Am I the only one who's actually going to do any shopping around here?" Katara grumbled.

"Yup," Toph stated bluntly.

"That's why you're the one with the new-fangled shopping cart," added Zuko.

* * *

"Aang! You have to try some of these potstickers! They're amazing! Juicy, tender..." Sokka exclaimed.

"Sorry, Sokka, but you know I don't eat meat," Aang said. "Come over here! They've got some amazing stuff, and it's all vegetarian!"

"Eww, veggies? I don't like veggies! I'm not trying any veggies!"

Aang stuck the sample into his mouth. After he got over the surprise, he chewed thoughtfully and swallowed.

"I take that back. Where'd you get that?"

"Over there," Aang said, pointing to another table nearby. Aang and Sokka tried every type of vegetarian dish on the table, much to the annoyance of the other customers, then ran off to another free sample booth serving noodles.

"What is with those kids?" someone grumbled. "...Wait a minute. That tattoo on the bald one's head... Isn't that the Avatar?"

"Well, so it is! Hey, everyone, look! The Avatar's at the noodle stall!"

Aang turned...and saw a huge crowd rushing towards him. He gulped down the noodles in the little cup he was holding and ran, Sokka hot on his heels.

"Not fair!" Aang shouted. "Why do I have to be the Avatar?"

"Yeah, no kidding! We can't even try our free samples in peace!" They ran halfway across the store, butting into people left and right and grabbing every free sample they passed by. The crowd chasing after them only grew.

"Mmm! Mmm! Aang, did you try that peach drink?"

"Yeah, it's amazing—AHH!" he screeched as someone made a lunge for him.

"Can I have your autograph?" someone shouted.

"Leave me alone!" They kept running.

"Can _I_ have your autograph?" asked Sokka. That only earned him an annoyed glare.

"Avatar Aang, is it true that you single-handedly defeated Firelord Ozai two weeks ago?" a reporter asked.

"Firelord Zuko is holding a press conference at the Fire Nation capital next week! I'll answer your questions there!" Aang shouted. "Please, please, leave us alone."

"What's a press conference?" Sokka asked as he gulped down half a fish ball.

"I don't know."

"Then why'd you tell them Zuko's having a press conference?"

"Because he is! Ahh!" Someone else had lunged at him. He ducked and grabbed a little cup of rice at the same time. "Don't try the rice, Sokka, it's nasty!"

"Seems fine to me."

* * *

"Zuko, what's going on? There's a huge crowd running around the store, chasing someone," Toph asked, tugging on Zuko's sleeve.

"Have you heard? The Avatar's in the store!" someone shouted, running past them.

"That's nice," Zuko commented. "Does that answer your question, Toph?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Excuse me, sir," an old man said, addressing Zuko. "This is probably a little upfront of me, but...you seem very familiar, sir. Have we ever met before?"

"No, I don't think we have."

"Well, I'm very sorry to bother you, sir." He bowed slightly and took his leave. "Now where did I see that young man before..." It hit him. "You're Firelord Zuko!"

"What? No, I'm not! What are you—"

"Yes, yes, I remember now. My son went to your coronation and brought back a picture of you!"

"Well, your son must be mistaken, 'cause—"

"The old man's right! That's the Firelord over there!" Another crowd started to form.

"Great, Zuko! Now what?" Toph huffed.

"Now, we RUN!!"

* * *

"Hey, do you what's going on?" Katara asked the man beside him. They were the only ones in Aisle 11, and probably two of the very few people in the store who were still actually shopping.

"Well, my friend said he saw the Avatar here in the store and went off to get his autograph. He worships the kid. Of course, it's hard not to see why, but still. It can't be healthy. I bet that's what this whole crowd's after."

"Yeah...can't be healthy," Katara murmured.

"Wang! Hey, Wang!" someone shouted, coming up the aisle.

"And there's my friend himself. What is it, Xing? Did you get the Avatar's autograph?"

"No, but he _looked_ at me! Can you believe it? He actually _looked_ at me!"

Katara rolled her eyes. "Well, I've _kissed_ him. Beat that," she muttered, thinking they wouldn't hear her.

She was wrong. "He DID?" Xing asked, flabbergasted. He was obviously too excited about Aang _looking_ at him to summon up any skepticism.

"Uhh, no," Katara said quickly. "I don't know the Avatar! Heh heh," She smiled quickly and pushed her cart quickly past the two, grabbing a few packs of God-knows-what as she did so.

* * *

"Hey, Aang? Is it just me, or is there less people chasing us now?" Sokka asked, huffing. They were still running.

"Yes, I think so too," Aang agreed. "Think they're giving up?"

"I hope so! I'm getting tired of this!"

"Is that a bean curd puff sample I see up ahead?"

"Yes, my friend, it is." They grabbed a sample each. "I have to say, Aunt Wu makes them better," Sokka noted.

"Hey, look over there. They're chasing someone else, too."

"Who do you suppose would be well-known enough to be chased like you are?" Sokka asked.

They looked at each other.

"Zuko."

* * *

"Let's get out of here!" Toph cried, racing ahead of the crowd.

"Mr. Firelord! Please, tell us! Is it true that the Avatar killed your father?"

"There's a mistake! I'm not who you think you are! My name's Lee! I work in the Jasmine Dragon!" Zuko cried.

"But, Mr. Firelord, our sources tell us that Lee was the name you took on when you were in exile here in Ba Sing Se!"

"If you're looking for the Firelord," Toph shouted, "try looking in the Fire Nation!"

"Firelord Zuko, what happened to your sister, Princess Azula? Did she die alongside her father?"

"I'm NOT THE FIRELORD, for goodness sake! I told you already! My name's Lee! My uncle Mushi owns the Jasmine Dragon! If you want, you can go ask him!"

"That girl called you Zuko! You must be the Firelord!"

"Oh, great. They heard. Thanks a lot, Toph," Zuko complained.

"How would I have known that people would start chasing you because you're the Firelord?" Toph would have blown the hair in her face, but her running did that quite effectively for her.

"Well, I never wanted to be Firelord in the first place!"

"Do you think that matters now?"

"It's true!"

"Tell that to the crowd who's chasing us around this store!"

"...Hey, have you noticed how big this store is? I guess that's why they call it a supermarket."

"Yeah, and that's probably why there's such a huge crowd after us!"

"Mr. Firelord—" someone started.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Zuko roared, suppressing the flames that wanted to escape his mouth.

* * *

Katara came up to the seafood section, pulling a very full cart with her. She inspected the hunks of salmon on display, but was not satisfied with the quality. She spied, though, a really good price on fresh, live crab...and who can resist that? She grabbed a bag and started picking through them.

"Wow, there must be a lot of people chasing after Aang. No one's here," Katara remarked.

The man behind the counter overheard. "Really? The Avatar's here?"

"Who do you think everyone's chasing after?"

"The Firelord, of course! Firelord Zuko just passed by here a few minutes ago. Everyone wants to talk to him. I'd chase after him, too, but then I'd lose my job."

"I thought the Avatar was the—"

"Hi Katara! Can't talk! Huge crowd! Bye Katara!" Aang shouted, running past her.

"Hey Katara!" Sokka shouted, muffled because of the food in his mouth. The crowd stampeded by, barely crushing the girl.

"See? It's the Avatar they're chasing after, not Firelord—"

Zuko and Toph ran down an aisle towards Katara, another crowd hot on their heels. They reached the end and passed Katara in the other direction.

"I guess they're chasing both, then. Oh well. How much for these crabs?"

* * *

"I've got an idea," Sokka said.

"Oh, good! What is it?" Aang asked, picking up a sample of komodo sausage as they ran through the preserved meat section. "Oh wait, this is meat!"

"I'll take it!" Sokka promptly took it and stuck it in his mouth. "Anyways, how about we _run towards the exit_?"

"Uhh, they'll just follow us outside, Sokka," Aang pointed out.

"That's why. when we get outside you're going to Earthbend a hole for us to hide in."

"Oh. Good plan. Then we can find our way to the underground city, and—"

"We can think about that once we're in the hole!"

And that's exactly what they did. They ran out the doors, around to the back, and plopped into a hole Aang created.

"Now what? They aren't leaving!" Aang said.

"Well, Earthbend us a little further in and wait it out."

* * *

"I've got a plan!" Toph shouted. "Don't ask questions. Follow me!"

She Earthbended a hole right in the middle of the floor, dragged Zuko in, and closed it before anyone could follow them in. She had tunnelled her way out of the store when she hit another tunnel.

"Ahh! Someone's followed us!" a voice shouted.

"It's Sokka!" Toph cried.

* * *

"Where are they?" Katara grumbled, pushing her cart out the store. "This city's too big for me to look for them myself! Aang! Sokka! Toph! Zuko! Where are you?"

The four of them popped out of the ground behind her.

Katara spun around. "That was surprisingly easy. Well, did you like it?"

"Like what?" Zuko asked.

"The supermarket!"

"NO!" Zuko and Toph yelled simultaneously.

"I'm never coming back again!"

"Me neither!"

"Oh, it wasn't so bad," Sokka said. "So many free samples..." he drawled, salivating.

"Next time we're coming, though, I'm definitely wearing a disguise," Aang said.

"Well, there won't _be_ a next time," Zuko snapped.

"I can see you've spared no expense to induce obesity in us, Katara," Sokka noted.

"Hey!"

"I mean, seriously. How are we going to eat all that?"

"Well," Zuko said, "we can always invite my uncle over again. That should do the trick."

"Whatever. Who wants to carry the crabs?" Katara said. Everyone else groaned.

* * *

**Author's Notes. **T & T Supermarket, in Chinese 大統華超級市場, is a very well known Asian supermarket chain in Canada. The only free sample I made up was the komodo sausage one! There's always a ton of free samples there. I love it.

If you like these stories, please tell me! Authors love reviews. If you don't like these stories...tell me anyways!

* * *


	3. PERVERTS!

**DISCLAIMER. **The Author lays not any Claim upon the Avatar; but he does own YOU! Any reader who disregards the following Note shall not hold responsible the Author for any burning out of the Eyes that may result from the Reading of the present Tale.

**NOTE: THIS TALE CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT.**

* * *

The Author humbly presents to the General Publick his third Tale, call'd  
**PERVERTS!!**

* * *

Aang was hard at work practicing his Airbending in one of the beautiful gardens of the Firelord's palace. Since Zuko was busy with his "duties" as Firelord, Jeong Jeong undertook to train the Avatar in Firebending; and Jeong Jeong was a _very _demanding master. Today, however, he was away on a "field trip" (read: sent to dig a ditch from here to next Thursday), and Aang was free. Since he rarely practiced Airbending anymore, he decided to do it today (before next Thursday rolled around). Knowing the Airbender's penchant for crazy antics, however, Zuko made sure he practiced in a _rock_ garden.

Well, speak of the devil.

"Enjoying your break?" Zuko asked, walking past the garden along one of the covered walkways.

"I still can't believe you sent Jeong Jeong away just so I could rest."

"SHH!!" Zuko looked around. "I never did that!"

Aang chuckled. "Okay, then." He went back to practicing. Zuko continued his walk.

Later, as he was finishing up, Katara happened to walk along the same walkway. Aang was going to call out to her, desirous of a kiss...but something else came to his mind. He smiled deviously, then sent a blast of air...up Katara's dress.

"Hey! What's going on here!" she shouted, trying to extricate herself from her clothes.

History is replete with accounts of perverted monks of every tradition. The list of less-than-celibate monks is long. Let us say that Aang could be added to that list, and leave it at that.

* * *

"What's your secret for getting so many girls, Iroh?" someone asked.

"Do you really want to know?"

The man nodded. Iroh smoothed his hair back and stepped out into the street. "Come with me, and I'll show you my secret."

Iroh led his new friend to the marketplace. He accosted a young, pretty girl and shamelessly asked her, "Hey, wanna boink?" He was promptly smacked in the head.

"That can't be it," the man said. "You get smacked for doing that!"

"Keep watching," Iroh said. Directing his query to an older lady, he repeated the question. "Hey, wanna boink?" Once again, he was smacked.

"Iroh, what are you doing? That's nasty!"

"Keep watching. Hey, young lady, wanna boink?"

Smack.

* * *

"He was staring at my ass!"

"He WHAT?" Toph exclaimed. "No way."

"It happened, I'm telling you!" Katara complained. "He sent a blast of air up my dress, exposing my ass!"

"Weren't you wearing underwear?" Toph asked.

"Of course I was! But still, Aang was—ugh! I can't believe I ever fell for that pervert! The next time I see him, I'm going to...oh, I don't know..."

"Going to...what?"

"I'm going to do this!" She Waterbended the water of a nearby fountain into a whip, caused the end to latch onto something—what it was, she didn't care—and yanked.

"Umm, Katara, I can't see what you're doing. Katara? Hello?"

Katara couldn't answer. She was staring.

She had just yanked Zuko's robe off.

* * *

"Stop doing that, Iroh! That's embarrassing!"

"Don't worry, my friend. Just keep watching. Oh, what a beauty!" Addressing himself to a crabby woman in green, he asked the question. "Wanna boink?" He wasn't smacked in the head this time.

The lady kicked his nuts and ran away screaming.

* * *

"Why don't you just send her to prison and forget about it," Mai said with that bored tone of voice she was famous for.

"What? I don't want to send my friend to prison!" Zuko exclaimed.

"She yanked your robe off and stared at your privates. Aren't you going to do something about it?"

"Yes! Of course I am!"

"Then send her to prison. It doesn't have to be long, just for a few days."

"But she's my friend!"

"What are you going to do, then?"

"I don't know!"

* * *

"Hey, wanna boink?"

Smack.

* * *

"Are you Katara?" a guard asked.

"Yes..."

"You're under arrest. Come with us now." Katara was taken by the guards, one on either side of her, to the nearest prison tower.

"For...disrobing the Firelord, you have been sentenced to prison for...uhh...wait. How long did the Firelord say to put her in there for, Chang?"

"I think...wait, let me check...umm...one hour."

"By decree of Firelord Zuko, you are hereby sentenced to one hour in prison. Get comfy." She was unceremoniously shoved into the room.

"What a pleasant surprise. My son has sent a girl to keep me company." The man smiled evilly at her from his cage.

"Who are you? What do you want?" Katara yelled.

"Come here, child."

"NO!"

"Come on, I won't bite...hard."

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"So stubborn. No matter. We'll have lots of time to get to know each other..."

"I'm only in here for an hour, you freak."

"See? Plenty of time. Why don't you tell me what you've done to land yourself in prison?"

"Why don't _you_ tell me, first?"

"I have done nothing wrong. I am simply a political prisoner. The Firelord put me here. He picked this cell himself."

"What? Who are you?"

"I am a humble man. I simply worked to realize the dreams of my father and my father's father. Zuko didn't appreciate that, so he put me away here. He doesn't like me very much, I'm afraid."

Katara softened slightly, moving closer. "He put you here just because he doesn't like you?"

"That's right. I had a sacred trust, handed down to me from my father. The new Firelord...wants me to discard my duty to my elders."

She softened some more. "That's terrible, sir. What was this duty that was passed down to you?"

His eyes grew hard. "To rule! To spread the great Fire Nation civilization across the entire globe!"

Katara's eyes grew wide with realization.

"Who did you think I am? I am Phoenix King Ozai!" He struggled to his feet, but failed miserably. Katara could do nothing but laugh.

"Hah! 'Phoenix King'? Could you come up with anything lamer? I mean, seriously. Wasn't 'Firelord' enough for you? Did you really have to call yourself 'Phoenix King' as well?"

"I will not have you insulting me, peasant!"

"Look who's talking!"

"That comment would be best directed at yourself, girl. You're in prison, just like I am."

"You're the one who has to serve a life sentence, not me. I wasn't the one who massacred people left and right. All I did was yank Zuko's clothes off."

This time it was Ozai who laughed. "So, I'm stuck in here with a pervert?"

"Well, I'm stuck in here with a failure!" Katara stuck her tongue out at him.

"You can be assured, girl, that I _will_ rise again."

"You can't even rise to your feet! I doubt you'll be rising anywhere soon, _failure._"

"Why, you..."

"Even with Sozin's comet behind your back, you still _failed_! FAILURE!" Katara blew a raspberry.

Ozai tried to rise to his feet again, but fell over. His left hand had a firm grip on one of the metal bars, but his right hand was pushed through the cage. It fell with a plop on the floor. Katara laughed again, but Ozai promptly grabbed hold of her dress and pulled her up to the cage.

"If you dare insult me again, girl, you'll be sorry!" he hissed.

"Get your dirty hands off my dress, Ozai!"

He only pulled harder. "If you dare call me that one more time, you insolent fool—"

"What are you going to do? Pull my dress off?" Katara tried to free herself from Ozai's grip, but the only thing that gave way...was her dress. The two fell, leaving Ozai with the dress and Katara with...nothing but her undergarments. She screamed.

* * *

"Iroh, please, _please_ stop saying that to every girl on the street. You are embarrassing yourself!"

"Hey, good lady, wanna boink?"

Smack.

* * *

Sokka snuck into the bedroom. She was sleeping, but he was counting on that. He was going to surprise her. He sidled up to the bed with a smile, snuck into the bed and allowed his hands to steal up the girl's sides, finally resting on her breasts. They felt...different, but that didn't stop him from whispering "Suki! Wake up!"

The girl in her arms turned around, opening her eyes. How Sokka made the mistake, he would never know, but he certainly paid for it.

Suki was in the next room. He had just felt up Toph.

* * *

"ZUKO! FIRELORD ZUKO! YOU ARE GOING TO PAY!" Katara stormed into the throne room, disrupting a "highly classified meeting". A pair of guards followed, profusely apologizing for being unable to stop her from entering.

Zuko himself was calm. "What's the matter?"

"You stuck me in prison with a PERVERT!"

"My dad's a pervert?"

"He ripped my dress off!" She displayed her dress, now tattered and torn. (No, she is not nude. She changed beforehand.)

The entire room rang with laughter...until Sokka fell through the roof.

"Sokka! What happened?" Zuko asked, now standing. "How did _that_" —he pointed at the hole—"happen?"

Sokka rubbed the arm he fell on. "I wanted to sneak up on Suki while she was sleeping...but I got Toph by accident." His face was crimson.

"But they're so different! How could you mix them up?" Katara asked, bewildered.

"THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!" Toph shouted, stomping into the room. "HE FELT ME UP!"

This was too much for the old generals, who started choking with laughter.

"He...felt you up?" Zuko asked incredulously.

An oblivious servant entered. Despite the chaos in the room, he coolly announced the arrival of the Avatar. He backed out of the room and held the curtain open for Aang. Katara was on him in an instant.

"YOU! YOU DIRTY MONK, YOU! PEEK AT MY ASS, WILL YOU! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, AANG!" Katara bellowed, choking Aang with frightening vigour.

"You're one to talk, Katara! Your Waterbending left me naked in front of the Omashu ambassador!" Zuko shouted.

The generals quietly took their leave, deeming it unwise to stay in a room obviously on the verge of collapse. Their subsequent laughter was heard even outside the palace.

* * *

"Hey," Iroh said, "wanna boink?"

The woman was, understandably, shocked. A glance, though, was all she needed to make up her mind.

"Sure."

* * *

I think this story is a better proof of my insanity than both of the other ones combined. xD

Iroh's "Wanna boink?" is a reference to the following joke (translated from the original Russian):

Kniaz Andrei Bolkonski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret?"  
"It's quite _simplement_, _mon Prince_, quite _simplement_. I just come over and say: 'Madame, wanna boink?'"  
"But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!"  
"_Oui_, some may slap, but many of them boink!"

mT: Yes, that was the Cabbage Merchant oogling over Sokka. Mai and Ty Lee are going to show up a few times in these tales. I have...plans...for Azula.

THANK YOU ALL FOR REVIEWING!


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